New Kids on the Rock 1: Pilot

NKOTR: Pilot
Short films
Series	New Kids on the Rock
Creator	Neil Cicierega, Kevin James, Ryan Murphy
Cast	Neil Cicierega, Kevin James, Ryan Murphy, Anthony Sergio, Jake Quilty Dunn
Crew	Neil Cicierega, Kevin James, Ryan Murphy
Released	July 21, 2008
Duration	08:28
New Kids on the Rock episodes
Pilot (Season 1, Episode 1) Romantic Comedy (s1, e2)

Transcript

(The title appears, constructed of clay.)
SINGERS: New kids on the rock! New kids on the rock!
(Image changes to a statue, and then zooms out to the interior of Ryan’s apartment.)
RYAN: And so Neil and Kevin and I went down to the studio. And we talked to the guys, who are really cool! And they commissioned us to do a series of webisodes for them! Like… web episodes. It’s a portmanteau. All the kids are saying it! We’re really excited about how things are gonna happen. It looks great for us! So-so, what do you think?
(Camera shows an image of a terrifying painting, which appears to be of Ryan.)
RYAN: Why are you always such a stick-in-the-mud? I mean, this is huge for me! I get to do what I love, I’m gonna get paid for it, I’m-
(There is a beeping sound like the theme song. Ryan pulls up his sleeve to reveal a massive communicator wristwatch.)
RYAN: (putting on a hat) I’ve gotta go.
(Scene changes to image of Kevin in a field, talking to a boy with a crutch.)
KEVIN: I went all the way into division seven. (Charles something) didn’t stand a CHANCE! Things were looking grim, Kyle. The other team was up by five points with 20 seconds left in the game. But me and the boys didn’t break a sweat. All we needed to do was pull off the perfect 32-gut trap. It went a little something… like this!
(Kevin runs off and acts out his story.)
KEVIN: Fifty cut across his midline backer and made his away around the safety. Quinn did a cutback across the front line. Then I let out my Hail Mary.
(Kevin throws the football.)
KEVIN: Fifty’s been tackled! Looks like I’m the only one left!
(Kevin starts running.)
KEVIN: I hop one, two D-men! I’m in the endzone! And…
(Kevin somehow catches his own throw.)
KEVIN: The Vikings win the Super Bowl! Thank you, very much!
(The child claps and cheers.)
(The series of communicator beeps is heard again. Kevin pulls out his own giant wrist communicator.)
KEVIN: Hey Kyle! I’ll be right back! Don’t go anywhere!
(Kevin runs off as the child waves.)
(Scene changes to Neil on his couch, watching Spongebob Squarepants and eating cereal.)
(The wrist communicator goes off. Neil simply looks at it, turns it off, and puts it away. This sequence of events occurs a second time. The communicator goes off AGAIN. Finally, neil puts down his cereal, reads the message, sighs, and walks away.)
(Kevin and Ryan are standing at Plymouth Rock.)
KEVIN: Kinda makes you think, doesn’t it? Two thousand years ago, Pilgrims stood at this very spot.
(Neil walks into frame.)
NEIL: Hey, guys.
RYAN: Hey.
KEVIN: Hey, How’s it goin’?
RYAN: So… what are we all doing here?
KEVIN: Well, the studio told us to all meet here. They’ve got some sort of message layin’ around for us.
NEIL: Hey, maybe they etched the message into the rock.
RYAN: Hey! Yeah!
(The camera pans onto a letter taped to the rock.)
KEVIN: Oh, no wait. There it is. See, it’s taped. Ryan?
(Ryan pulls out a letter opener and opens the letter.)
RYAN: “Dear New Kids on the Rock.” Hey! That’s us! “For your first assignment, we would like you to produce a ‘treasure hunt’ themed webisode of your show for us, and have it done soon please. We are counting on you. Love, Plymouth Rock Studios.”
KEVIN: A treasure hunt movie, huh? Seems easy enough!
NEIL: Wait a minute, give me that letter. This… this is in some kind of code.
RYAN: No… it’s in English.
NEIL: No- no. They know we’re smarter than that. This is a clue!
KEVIN: I agree with Neil.
NEIL: Thank you, Kevin. See- see. Look at the envelope. It’s sealed with wax. Wax…
NEIL AND KEVIN: The wax museum!
RYAN: No, that place closed like 20 years ago.
NEIL: Closed… Closed?
ALL THREE: The clothes store!
(Cut to Kevin standing outside of a store. Neil and Ryan exit.)
KEVIN: Hey, what’d you guys find?
RYAN: Oh, I got this cool jacket.
NEIL: '(Holding up some buttons)' I found these buttons.
KEVIN: Hmm. Well, I found this note in a coat pocket.
NEIL: Wait… A note. *gasp*
NEIL AND RYAN: The old note factory!
(Cut to the three walking.)
NEIL: So this note we found at the note factory said we have to find Squanto.
KEVIN: What the hell is a Squanto?
NEIL: You know, like the Native American? Well, let’s go.
(Cut to the three standing in front of a statue.)
NEIL: THIS is Squanto.
KEVIN: Oh, SQUANTO! Oh, okay.
NEIL: Let’s see… Hey Ryan! Do you still have that magnifying glass you found?
RYAN: Indeed!
NEIL: Stop. Um… I think we’ve got to put this in Squanto’s hand. It’s just like National Treasure 2: The Book of Secrets!
(Neil attempts to put the magnifying glass in Squanto’s hand.)
NEIL: It’s too tall!
KEVIN: Wait a minute… Neil, give me the glass! I think I’ve got an idea.
(Kevin has duct taped the magnifying glass to Squanto’s foot.)
KEVIN: And… voila!
RYAN: Eh. Good enough!
NEIL: Now… we wait.
(As “Aquarium” plays, light shines through the magnifying glass and forms a beam of light.)
RYAN: Look! It’s pointing at Plymouth Rock!
(The three stand at Plymouth Rock.)
KEVIN: Wait. We were here like 20 minutes ago.
RYAN: BAM-boozeled! We’ve come full circle!
(Neil stares sadly at the rock.)
KEVIN: Neil, you’ve just gotta face it. There’s no such thing as treasure.
NEIL: WAIT A MINUTE! Maybe it’s in the secret room hidden underneath Plymouth Rock!
RYAN: Yeah! Let’s take the elevator!
NEIL: There it is!
RYAN: Yeah!
(A doorway opens in the rock.)
RYAN: Let’s go in it.
(There is a dark room underground. The three teleport into the room and turn on flashlights.)
KEVIN: This must be the place, guys.
NEIL: Wow. This is just like Tomb Raider 2: The Cradle of Life!
RYAN: But where’s the treasure?
NEIL: It’s over there!
(Camera shows a red chest, and then pans over to show a man dressed as a Pilgrim.)
JOHN SMITH: Boo! I see you, you would-be thieves! I am John Smith, the last remaining Pilgrim, and I guard the treasure which you seek!
RYAN: Wait, John Smith? Like from Pocahontas?
JOHN SMITH: No! ‘Twas a very common name back then!
KEVIN: Well I don’t believe in no Pilgrims! That treasure’s ours!
(John Smith produces a sword.)
JOHN SMITH: One step further, lad, and I’ll cut off your throat!
RYAN: No! Not Kevin’s throat!
NEIL: Hey wait. Pilgrims didn’t have swords.
JOHN SMITH: Oh.
RYAN: Where’d you get the sword?
JOHN SMITH: I… found it. Wait… Where’s my gun… thing…
RYAN: You mean your musket?
JOHN SMITH: Yes. My… musket. It’s… it’s… just…
RYAN: All right, all right. Let’s just retrace your steps. (aside) Get the treasure. (Back to John Smith) It’s probably some place really obvious. Like, the last place you’d look.
(Kevin sneaks over to steal the chest.)
JOHN SMITH: Well, it’s big… and has kind of a horn on the end…
KEVIN: I got it guys. Let’s go!
RYAN: Well, our work here is done Mr. Smith! Time to go!
JOHN SMITH: Wait… what?
(The New Kids on the Rock smile, wave, and walk away.)
JOHN SMITH: Farewell, New Kids on the Rock!
(The three are now outside. They open the chest.)
NEIL: It’s our first check from the studio!
KEVIN: Wow.
RYAN: Wow! Fifty thousand dollars!
KEVIN: Yeah. Now THAT’S a treasure! Hey! Let’s go cash this and make our first webisode!
NEIL: Wait a minute! This isn’t a check! It’s a CLUE! Look! Look! The routing number! It follows the Fibonacci Sequence! And the signature! It’s a map!
(Kevin grabs the check and walks away.)
KEVIN: I’m going to the bank.
(Neil and Ryan shrug.)
(The three are sitting around a computer.)
NEIL: Well, our first webisode is done. Uploading now!
RYAN: You know Kevin, you did a really great job with that crane shot in the first act.
KEVIN: Hey, thanks Ryan! You know, I thought it was a little risky, but Neil’s lighting really helped it out.
NEIL: And Ryan, that was some classic (nee-san-sen?) during the bridge fight sequence!
KEVIN: Hey! It’s done uploading!
NEIL: Hey! I hope they like it.
RYAN: What- what’s the website called again?
NEIL: H-T-T-P-colon-slash-slash-W-W-W-dot
ALL THREE: hollywoodeasttv.com!
(The three pose, and the credits roll.)
SINGERS: New kids on the rock. New kids on the rock, rock, rock, rock. New kids on the rock. New kids on the rock.

Credits

• Cast:
  • Neil Cicierega: Self
  • Kevin James: Self
  • Ryan Murphy: Self
  • Anthony Sergio: Kyle
  • Jake Quilty Dunn: John Smith

• Crew:
  • Created By: Neil Cicierega, Kevin James, Ryan Murphy
  • Edited By: Neil Cicierega
  • Theme Song By: Neil Cicierega

Trivia

• The Vikings have never won a Super Bowl.