Zander vs. Crunchy
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|Zander vs. Crunchy
|Neil Cicierega, Jackson Taylor Wetherbee
|Neil Cicierega, Jackson Taylor Wetherbee
According to Neil (Crunchy), Taylor (Zander) “was over my house and was like ‘Hey let’s have a RAP WAR’ and took turns writing and recording verses. By the end we were getting tired. Also I wasn’t banking on anybody ever hearing it.”
Crunchy: Chimy-changa. Feel my anga’ See my wrath like a cartoon manga Did you catch my drift Bambino? I’m defective as a bottle of Beano You’re in my casino now Biatch! Spin the wheel and wiatch As I clean your clock Don’t make me get my glock Cause’ the shock’s gonna make you screech like a hawk DAMMIT! Expletive deleted! Your brain’s been depleted, I sound so conceited But it’s kosher to rap like an egomaniac You’d pimp yourself out and everybody craps My train of thought tends to derail My mind frame tends to fall off the nail My music’s sick, my blood is thick My style’s like a goddamn magic trick Don’t understand, it’s all sleight of hand It’s all smoke and mirrors and a rubber band Y’know it’s like they say in Japan [Gibberish?] Zander: Spinning out the beats like a type of crazed dreidel Raps been alarmed it’s considered a fable Y’know I’m willing and able to cradle any young rapper along the road of Mabel Crazed, confused, dazed, it’s all good Cause’ I’m doing as good as a rapper should Representin’ Dead Rabbits America Sworn against (?)(sounds like Massfield), chumps in that area You reminisce like a lifeless army Unable to stop, and it’s quite alarming We battle top to the quarry Buildin’ a religion, it’s a big frickin’ story So shut your mouth, here’s a burrito I’m known as the rapper’s great Bambino Squad clears out of the park With a bottle of cleaner Raps so fast it’s uncomprehensible Using rubber bands for your magic tricks All I do is flick my frickin’ wrist Then I come out with death’s kiss And now it’s game set and match, bitch! Crunchy: I’m a rodent, cuz Seize the moment While you watch Bonanza in bed with Tony Danza And this will shock ya, my name’s Willy Wonka My chocolate factory’s the bomb Crunchy’s pimpin’ dot com Are you dead yet? Full of lead yet? Stuck in a closet with Bill and Ted yet? Medicated love is a terrible deal Nonetheless it’s like an SOB, it is real. I hear a distant rumbling: the sound of an empire crumbling It’s pretty sweet, if humbling Manamanamana-mumbling Are you scared, or are you stoners impaired? I’m like an evil President with a secret lair You might find that the world is gone The hero turns out to be a pawn Do you catch my drift? Cuz I lied I lit Grandpa’s hair on fire He said, “Ow” and he died. Zander: Little gangsta, singin’ “Hard Knock Life” Living with his dad who he never had a wife So he learned in strife to stay calm And decided when he was older he was gonna show ‘em. Toppled over a light, the light boy singin’ Spacecat, all the usual gangsters took a step back But through the black came a burning light And turned to day from night. I tell you what, go hop into bed with a pink nightie Close your eyes and I’ll read you a story Cuz you’re a youngun in this rap game, Crunchy Crunchy, ha! That’s really funny What kind of name is that, honey? What, did your mom help you come up with that? Does she still wash your hair in the bath? I’m seasoned, please believe in Crowd pleasin’ every damn season They believe in me so it’s meant to be That I’m the top in this breezy-heezy game Representin’ the name, once again Dead Rabbits for life PG-13 I know you know it’s me I got it in for life, dogs And now I’m squeaky clean Crunchy, I got a big hunchy That you ain’t got no talent in this rap game And you know what? I’m kinda hungry, so I’m gonna swallow you up Cuz I’ve got the munchies! Crunchy: Dear Lord, you must be bored Tryin’ to pick a fight with the dark overlord Crunchy sees no worthy enemies here Just a little queer with a disturbing ghetto rear Ghetto mike gear, it’s time to teach you a lesson Now I’m confessin’ you’re just salad dressin’ You smell like a phony with 3 times for messin’ Smell this, you puppy pants dork I’m gonna stab you in the face with a fork Then I’ll beat you with twigs and a chair Chop you up with an ax and feed you to a bear I’ll hang on to your spleen Keep it clean I’ll put it on the wall That oughta help my self-esteem You’re full of crap You’re all bark and no bite You roll in the sack with a fat ho all night Zander: Props to Neil, he’s got the goods His look’s like a hobo and Tiger Woods A scrawny white boy who needs his good looks He’s got his nose stuck in the books If he’s in the rap game he’ll fake it Crunchy looks kinda funny, come on dog, try and keep up I’ll leave you huffin’ in the dust Puttin’ us through another round of torture When the words come up out of your mouth they’re like murder It’s some kinda disorder Keep being an illiterate bringin’ down world order And you said yourself you’re a rodent Too small, livin’ in the garbage Watchin’ reruns of I Love Lucy And makin’ up songs to Captain Planet Takin’ showers once a year Keepin’ the world oil supply nice and near But don’t fear, no one’s gonna cheer No one’s gonna cheer Crunchy: That had to be the worst piece of garbage that I’ve ever heard Didn’t anybody tell you you couldn’t polish a turd? I’m gonna polish your ass I’m gonna make you eat grass Sassafrass Word up G I gotta pee But that’s just me You know there once was an old lady who swallowed a fly I don’t know why she swallowed a fly But you’re a pansy I need candy I want candy I want an autographed picture of Randy Savage Printed on cabbage Pandora’s box is fulla blue porridge Blue porridge I don’t have a clue what the hell’s up with you There could be a pebble in your shoe For all I know you’re overcompensating Having trouble dating Or having trouble mating But I’m just stating what I think Your hair is hot pink That’s OK, we all know you’re gay Zander: OK, overlord, I’m the mandate of heaven Chosen to send a floatie to show you a true onion Born I was going to accomplish And even anyone who raps was telling you to stop this Flawless what these rhymes bring Foolishness is what happens to any Crunchy overlord chump that tries to stop to top this Hey Crunchy, Halloween’s over You don’t have to act like a Class A Shroeder And your rap’s borderline asinine A stupid overlord dressed in the worst of the times So get a new style While I’m here burnin’ it up You’ve been chokin’ on my dust So you’re buildin’ up to rust So small you’re lookin’ like a dunce Crunchy: ZanderZanderBoBanderBananafanafofander MeMyMoMander Zander likes to pander to the dorks of the nation with No consideration for things like style It’s all imitation Go back to your home Let your mommy spank you I’m sure you’ll enjoy it Cue rimshot, thank you May a thousand locusts prey on your region You’re just another member of the wannabe legion Zander: You’re right, I shouldn’t even fight I am the best, I’ve finally seen the light There’s really no reason to go through the hassle Crunchy should take a hint And shut his motherfuckin’ trap Let this be a warning to any other fool If you stand up to Zander He’ll kick you in the family jewels. Bye bye. Crunchy: Bye Bye!
- This battle rap contains two Aaron Ackerson references: Crunchy’s line, “like an SOB, it is real” is a reference to the line, “like an SAF, it is real” in the Aaron Ackerson song, “Love Fix”. Zander’s utterance of “Spacecat” is a reference to Aaron’s internet nickname which he references himself in The Artichoke Song.
- The line, “ZanderZanderBoBanderBananafanafofanderMeMyMoMander” is a reference to The Name Game
- The drum loop used in this song is used in Hyakugojyuuichi 2003.