Zander vs. Crunchy

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Zander vs. Crunchy
Artist Lemon Demon
Released January 2007?
Recorded 2002/2003
Written by Neil Cicierega, Jackson Taylor Wetherbee
Sung by Neil Cicierega, Jackson Taylor Wetherbee
Duration 5:34
Tempo 125
Genre Rap
Language English
Links: Youtube

According to Neil (Crunchy), Taylor (Zander) “was over my house and was like ‘Hey let’s have a RAP WAR’ and took turns writing and recording verses. By the end we were getting tired. Also I wasn’t banking on anybody ever hearing it.”


Chimy-changa. Feel my anga’
See my wrath like a cartoon manga
Did you catch my drift Bambino?
I’m defective as a bottle of Beano
You’re in my casino now Biatch!
Spin the wheel and wiatch
As I clean your clock
Don’t make me get my glock
Cause’ the shock’s gonna make you screech like a hawk

DAMMIT! Expletive deleted!
Your brain’s been depleted, I sound so conceited
But it’s kosher to rap like an egomaniac
You’d pimp yourself out and everybody craps
My train of thought tends to derail
My mind frame tends to fall off the nail
My music’s sick, my blood is thick
My style’s like a goddamn magic trick
Don’t understand, it’s all sleight of hand
It’s all smoke and mirrors and a rubber band
Y’know it’s like they say in Japan

Spinning out the beats like a type of crazed dreidel
Raps been alarmed it’s considered a fable
Y’know I’m willing and able to cradle any young rapper along the road of Mabel
Crazed, confused, dazed, it’s all good
Cause’ I’m doing as good as a rapper should
Representin’ Dead Rabbits America
Sworn against (?)(sounds like Massfield), chumps in that area
You reminisce like a lifeless army
Unable to stop, and it’s quite alarming
We battle top to the quarry
Buildin’ a religion, it’s a big frickin’ story
So shut your mouth, here’s a burrito
I’m known as the rapper’s great Bambino
Squad clears out of the park
With a bottle of cleaner
Raps so fast it’s uncomprehensible
Using rubber bands for your magic tricks
All I do is flick my frickin’ wrist
Then I come out with death’s kiss
And now it’s game set and match, bitch!

I’m a rodent, cuz
Seize the moment
While you watch Bonanza in bed with Tony Danza
And this will shock ya, my name’s Willy Wonka
My chocolate factory’s the bomb
Crunchy’s pimpin’ dot com
Are you dead yet? Full of lead yet?
Stuck in a closet with Bill and Ted yet?
Medicated love is a terrible deal
Nonetheless it’s like an SOB, it is real.
I hear a distant rumbling: the sound of an empire crumbling
It’s pretty sweet, if humbling
Are you scared, or are you stoners impaired?
I’m like an evil President with a secret lair
You might find that the world is gone
The hero turns out to be a pawn
Do you catch my drift?
Cuz I lied
I lit Grandpa’s hair on fire
He said, “Ow” and he died.

Little gangsta, singin’ “Hard Knock Life”
Living with his dad who he never had a wife
So he learned in strife to stay calm
And decided when he was older he was gonna show ‘em.
Toppled over a light, the light boy singin’
Spacecat, all the usual gangsters took a step back
But through the black came a burning light
And turned to day from night.
I tell you what, go hop into bed with a pink nightie
Close your eyes and I’ll read you a story
Cuz you’re a youngun in this rap game, Crunchy
Crunchy, ha! That’s really funny
What kind of name is that, honey?
What, did your mom help you come up with that?
Does she still wash your hair in the bath?
I’m seasoned, please believe in
Crowd pleasin’ every damn season
They believe in me so it’s meant to be
That I’m the top in this breezy-heezy game
Representin’ the name, once again
Dead Rabbits for life PG-13
I know you know it’s me
I got it in for life, dogs
And now I’m squeaky clean
Crunchy, I got a big hunchy
That you ain’t got no talent in this rap game
And you know what?
I’m kinda hungry,
so I’m gonna swallow you up
Cuz I’ve got the munchies!

Dear Lord, you must be bored
Tryin’ to pick a fight with the dark overlord
Crunchy sees no worthy enemies here
Just a little queer with a disturbing ghetto rear
Ghetto mike gear, it’s time to teach you a lesson
Now I’m confessin’ you’re just salad dressin’
You smell like a phony with 3 times for messin’
Smell this, you puppy pants dork
I’m gonna stab you in the face with a fork
Then I’ll beat you with twigs and a chair
Chop you up with an ax and feed you to a bear
I’ll hang on to your spleen
Keep it clean
I’ll put it on the wall
That oughta help my self-esteem
You’re full of crap
You’re all bark and no bite
You roll in the sack with a fat ho all night

Props to Neil, he’s got the goods
His look’s like a hobo and Tiger Woods
A scrawny white boy who needs his good looks
He’s got his nose stuck in the books
If he’s in the rap game he’ll fake it
Crunchy looks kinda funny, come on dog, try and keep up
I’ll leave you huffin’ in the dust
Puttin’ us through another round of torture
When the words come up out of your mouth they’re like murder
It’s some kinda disorder
Keep being an illiterate bringin’ down world order
And you said yourself you’re a rodent
Too small, livin’ in the garbage
Watchin’ reruns of I Love Lucy
And makin’ up songs to Captain Planet
Takin’ showers once a year
Keepin’ the world oil supply nice and near
But don’t fear, no one’s gonna cheer
No one’s gonna cheer

That had to be the worst piece of garbage that I’ve ever heard
Didn’t anybody tell you you couldn’t polish a turd?
I’m gonna polish your ass
I’m gonna make you eat grass
Word up G
I gotta pee
But that’s just me
You know there once was an old lady who swallowed a fly
I don’t know why she swallowed a fly
But you’re a pansy
I need candy
I want candy
I want an autographed picture of Randy Savage
Printed on cabbage
Pandora’s box is fulla blue porridge
Blue porridge
I don’t have a clue what the hell’s up with you
There could be a pebble in your shoe
For all I know you’re overcompensating
Having trouble dating
Or having trouble mating
But I’m just stating what I think
Your hair is hot pink
That’s OK, we all know you’re gay

OK, overlord, I’m the mandate of heaven
Chosen to send a floatie to show you a true onion
Born I was going to accomplish
And even anyone who raps was telling you to stop this
Flawless what these rhymes bring
Foolishness is what happens to any Crunchy overlord chump that tries to stop to top this
Hey Crunchy, Halloween’s over
You don’t have to act like a Class A Shroeder
And your rap’s borderline asinine
A stupid overlord dressed in the worst of the times
So get a new style
While I’m here burnin’ it up
You’ve been chokin’ on my dust
So you’re buildin’ up to rust
So small you’re lookin’ like a dunce

Zander likes to pander to the dorks of the nation with
No consideration for things like style
It’s all imitation
Go back to your home
Let your mommy spank you
I’m sure you’ll enjoy it
Cue rimshot, thank you
May a thousand locusts prey on your region
You’re just another member of the wannabe legion

You’re right, I shouldn’t even fight
I am the best, I’ve finally seen the light
There’s really no reason to go through the hassle
Crunchy should take a hint
And shut his motherfuckin’ trap
Let this be a warning to any other fool
If you stand up to Zander
He’ll kick you in the family jewels.
Bye bye.

Bye Bye!


  • This battle rap contains two Aaron Ackerson references: Crunchy’s line, “like an SOB, it is real” is a reference to the line, “like an SAF, it is real” in the Aaron Ackerson song, “Love Fix”. Zander’s utterance of “Spacecat” is a reference to Aaron’s internet nickname which he references himself in The Artichoke Song.
  • The line, “ZanderZanderBoBanderBananafanafofanderMeMyMoMander” is a reference to The Name Game
  • The drum loop used in this song is used in Hyakugojyuuichi 2003.