New Kids on the Rock 6: The New New Kid on the Rock

NKOTR: The New New Kid on the Rock
Short films
Series	New Kids on the Rock
Creator	Neil Cicierega, Kevin James, Ryan Murphy
Production Company	Plymouth Rock Studios
Cast	Neil Cicierega, Kevin James, Ryan Murphy, Jake Quilty-Dunn
Crew	Neil Cicierega, Kevin James, Ryan Murphy
Released	July 24, 2009
Duration	08:18
New Kids on the Rock episodes
Ryan's Christmas Wish (Christmas Special) The New New Kid on the Rock (Season 2, Episode 1) Unlucked (s2, e2) (Canceled)

The New Kids on the Rock experience their greatest foe to date- the "Great North American White Hipster."

Transcript

(The New Kids are preparing fishing lines.)
Kevin: You know guys, I’m really excited to be doing this family-friendly children-oriented fishing webisode.
Neil: Yeah, me too! I mean, now that the studio’s dropped those charges against us, this will literally be a cinch!
Ryan: Yeah, and I’m excited to get a whole bucket of worms to bring with us!
Kevin: Yup! Between fishing and all the webisodes, things couldn’t be going better for the three of us.
(There is a loud noise of glass shattering.)
Neil: Oh! That must be another brick from those people who keep throwing bricks at us.
Kevin: Wait, wait- what?
Ryan: Another one? I’d say we’re about a dozen away from finishing that new fire pit outside!
Kevin: Wait, does this happen all the time when I’m not around or something?
Neil: Hey! It’s actually a message from the studio this time, guys!
Kevin: Well, I guess that’s a relief. What does it say?
Neil: *ahem* “Dear New Kids on the Rock. Fantastic work on your World-War-One-disillusioned-Hemingway-esque webisode. We are all very happy with the material you’ve given us so far. But, after a very productive board meeting, we have decided that you could be doing even better.”
Kevin: …Well, it’s good to know that they like the progress of our work.
Ryan: Yeah! What strangely mixed signals. Go on, please.
Neil: Thank you, Ryan. “In order to increase your appeal to a younger, hipper, trendier audience, we have decided to add a new New Kid on the Rock to your team.” Well, that sure is a surprise. I mean, who’s this new kid-
Spencer: Sup bros! I’m Spencer, the new rocker kid!
(The camera zooms into his face and his name appears in bold, colorful text. There is the sound of thunder.)
Ryan: You mean New Kid on the Rock?
Spencer: Yeah, whatever, Theodore Brosevelt.
Neil: Well-well, Spencer, it’s nice to meet you. Uh, how did you find our clubhouse?
Spencer: Oh, these nice bros with a bunch of bricks and a gun gave me directions on the way here.
Ryan: Yeah! More bricks!
Kevin: Um. It’s really great to meet you and all, Spencer, but, um, I just don’t think we need a fourth member of the team. We’ve been doing pretty good.
Spencer: That’s not what the dudes back at the station told me. You guys need a new edge. You’re totally out of touch with the kids. That’s why I’m here to show you bros what’s bitchin’ and what’s totally whack.
(Neil looks confusedly at Spencer’s Hulkamania shirt.)
Spencer: I of course only use the term “whack” ironically.
Kevin: So we’re gonna start our fishing webisode. You, uh, don’t wanna come with, do you?
Spencer: Tcha! I mean, fishing is so, like, the new golf, or whatever.
(Ryan and Kevin look at Spencer awkwardly. Spencer pulls up a skateboard.)
Spencer: I have a skateboard!
(The New Kids and Spencer are walking through the forest with their fishing lines. The New Kids are in their usual close line, while Spencer lags slightly behind and is smoking.)
Spencer: Sorry bros, scuse, but I just got a sick text that I’m now going to rudely interrupt everything we were doing to answer.
(Spencer begins texting. The New Kids huddle.)
Kevin: Okay, seriously, what the hell is going on?
Neil: I don’t know. Why did the studio send us this guy?
Ryan: I don’t know, I think he’s all right.
Neil: No, no, no, he’s like, takin’ MySpace pictures over there.
(Shot of Spencer taking photos of himself smoking.)
Neil: He’s like a hipster. It’s terrible.
Kevin: Yeah, seriously. And earlier today, we were talking about comic books, right? And Superman comes up, and he’s all like “Oh! I like it!”
Ryan: What’s wrong with that?
Kevin: He doesn’t actually ‘like’ superman comics. He likes them… ironically.
Ryan: Okay, okay, let’s just give him another chance. Let’s see what he’s up to. Come on
Spencer: Sorry about that, A-bro-ham Lincolns. I just got this nasty text saying that my girl Cynthia told Pam about this reality show that she should totally check. But she wasn’t really into it, ‘cause she’s going to the Crying Fish concert tonight, even though they’re totally like, a ripoff of Saturated Towels in Bloom, you know?
Neil: …Great. Let’s go fishing.
(They are indoors in a bathroom.)
Spencer: Facebook’s totally like the new MySpace. I mean, I only keep a MySpace ‘cause it’s like, ironic.
Kevin: Hey Spencer. Have you ever tried… not talking like that?
(Ryan pops up from below with a bucket.)
Ryan: I brought the worms!
Kevin: Hmm. All right. let’s set the white balance for this shot.
Spencer: You should totally do the white balance on like a green piece of paper. You know, like, add some am-bi-an-ce to the scene? I mean, green’s the new white anyway.
Kevin: …Or we can balance off something white, like what it’s called! Let’s go do it.
(Shot through the camera of Neil and Ryan.)
Kevin: I’m rolling.
Neil: Gee. Fishing sure is fun. But I hope we don’t run into the ghost of that horrible sea yeti again.
Ryan: Yeah. If we run into that sea yeti again, it sure would give conflict to our plot. Sure would be horrible if it showed up, and, you know, tried to eat some…. bo-
(Spencer wanders into the shot.)
Spencer: Dude, yeti? Yeti are like, so 2006. The chupacabra is totally the new yeti.
Kevin: No they’re not.
Neil: Um, Spencer? Why don’t you go off frame until we need you, okay?
Spencer: So what should I be doing in this quote video unquote?
Neil: Uh, did you just say “quote” phonetically?
Spencer: Well, tcha!
Neil: Just one second.
(He and Kevin climb into the shower and close the curtain.)
Neil: We have to do something about this guy.
Kevin: I know. Seriously, he’s such a… fool!
Neil: I know. We need Ryan on board, though. I think he’s on Spencer’s side.
Kevin: Don’t worry my friend. We simply have to give it time.
(Shot of Spencer and Ryan laughing at what appears to be a Happy Meal picnic.)
Spencer: So dude, I heard through the clothesline that you make videos where you like, talk to squids or something?
Ryan: You know, I do talk to squids, but I’ve never actually filmed myself doing it. How did you know that?
Spencer: Well you know, I think that like, if you want to do something, and, you know, you like, think about doing it, it’s kind of like the same thing as actually doing it. Or whatever.
Ryan: No.
Spencer: Well, I mean, with like, global warming, and the War in Iraq, I mean, how can we be expected to actually DO anything?
Ryan: Yeah. I guess you’re right, man.
Spencer: No, no, no. “I guess you’re right, BRO man.”
Ryan: Yeah. Bro.
(Kevin and Neil are watching through binoculars.)
Neil: He’s converting Ryan to his wicked scenester ways! We’ve gotta stop him!
Kevin: We have to be patient, my friend. Patience is key.
Ryan: Man, I’m hungry. Let’s whip out those burgers and fries, man.
Spencer: Waha. Bro, fries are so conformist. I only eat onion rings.
(Ryan looks positively shocked.)
Ryan: …Onion? ….Rings?
Spencer: Yeah bro! When I order from a massive fast-food conglomerate, I get slightly less popular food. Besides, they go great with my MP3 player!
(He holds up an iPod nano.)
Ryan: I- I’ve gotta go.
(He runs off, and gets grabbed and pulled off by Neil and Kevin.)
Neil: Listen Ryan, that Spencer kid? He’s not what he seems.
Kevin: Yeah. he’s bad news, seriously. He acts like he’s cool and everything, but he’s totally not. Oh, with his liking things… ironically.
Ryan: No guys! I- I totally agree! I mean, I thought that he was cool, too! But then it turns out… he gets onion rings instead of fries.
(Neil and Kevin look somewhat confused.)
Kevin: Yeah that’s why we don’t like them either.
Neil: Don’t worry Ryan, we’re like seven steps ahead of you.
Ryan: You mean-?
Neil: That’s right. Me and Kevin have developed a plan to remove said miscreant from our midst. Observe.
(Ryan looks through the binoculars to one of those box-propped-on-a-stick traps. Several shirts are the bait.)
Kevin: No scenester can resist-
Neil: Novelty and ironic T-shirts.
(Spencer sees the shirts and crawls under the box to get them.)
Neil: One,
Ryan: Two,
Kevin: Three!
(They pull a rope and trap Spencer. They charge at the box screaming and seal it with tape. They write “to Outer Space 02115” on the outside, kick the box a few times, and paste stamps on it.)
Ryan: We’re gonna need more stamps than that, Neil. Outer Space is pretty far away.
(Neil pulls out a large number of stamps from the roll. They place the box next to a mailbox and kick it several more times. They run off, but Neil returns to lift the mailbox flag.)
(Cut to Outer Space. The box is floating through the void.)
Spencer: I’ll get you, you New Kids on the Rock!
(The New Kids are laughing in the living room again.)
Neil: Well, I’m sure glad all that nonsense is out of our hair.
Ryan: Mmm-hmm.
Kevin: Seriously. Looks like everything’s back to normal.
Ryan: Heh, yeah, that sure was a close one. Hey, you know, earlier today I was talking to those nice guys who keep giving us bricks, and one of them asked really ominously where we’d like our teeth to be mailed if they were the only remnants of our body recovered by the police.
Kevin: Oh come on now. That’s an easy one, Ryan!
Ryan: …Really?
Neil: Oh yeah! Sure it is!
Ryan: Well, where would they go?
Neil: H-T-T-P-:-/-/-W-W-W-DOT
All three: Hollywoodeasttv.com!
(Credits.)

Video

Credits

• Cast
  • Neil Cicierega: Self
  • Kevin James: Self
  • Ryan Murphy: Self
  • Jake Quilty-Dunn: Spencer

• Crew
  • Created By: Neil Cicierega, Kevin James, Ryan Murphy
  • Edited By: Kevin James, Neil Cicierega
  • Original Music By: Neil Cicierega

Trivia

• 02115 is a zip code located in Boston, Massachusetts.