New Kids on the Rock 5: The Vigilante

NKOTR: The Vigilante
Short films
Series	New Kids on the Rock
Creator	Neil Cicierega, Kevin James, Ryan Murphy
Production Company	Plymouth Rock Studios
Cast	Neil Cicierega, Kevin James, Ryan Murphy, TJ O'Brien, Steve Madden
Crew	Neil Cicierega, Kevin James, Ryan Murphy, TJ O'Brien
Released	September 15, 2008
Duration	06:05
New Kids on the Rock episodes
Pilot (s1, e4) The Vigilante (Season 1, Episode 5) (Season Finale) Ryan's Christmas Wish (Christmas Special)

Transcription

(The screen shows a field of stars, with text over it.)
Text: SEVERAL WEEKS AGO IN PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS A LONE MOVIE STUDIO HIRED THREE OF THE SOUTH SHORE’S FINEST TO MAKE SHORT FILMS. TOGETHER, THEY BECAME A BAND OF MOVIE MAKERS THE LIKES OF WHICH HAVE NEVER BEEN SEEN. NEW KIDS ON THE ROCK.
(The New Kids are walking outside at night, eating ice cream.)
Kevin: Mmmm! Boy, that cookie dough sure is good tonight, guys!
Neil: This black raspberry is delicious!
Ryan: Mmmm! And this sherbet’s pretty good, too!
Kevin: Oh Ryan! You’re so weird!
(Ryan looks at Kevin. Suddenly music starts to play. A person is listening to rap on a boombox. The rap continues to play under some of the dialogue.)
You say “what,” I say “kill you”
“What” “kill you” “What” “kill you”
You say “who” I say “holies(?)”
“Who” “holies” “Who” “holies”
You say “good” I say “burger”
“Good” “burger” “Good” “burger”
You say “Kenan” I say “Kam”
“Kenan” “Kam” “Kenan” “Kam”
You say “what,” I say “kill you”
“What” “kill you” “What” “kill you”
You say “who” I say “holies(?)”
“Who” “holies” “Who” “holies”
You say “good” I say “burger”
“Good” “burger” “Good” “burger”
You say “Kenan” I say “Kam”
“Kenan” “Kam” “Kenan” “Kam”
You say “what-”
Kevin: Say man, you mind turning that music down?
Neil: Yeah, we’re trying to enjoy our ice cream!
(The person puts down the boombox and walks towards the New Kids.)
Person: Maybe I wanna keep my music on? And maybe… I want those ice creams. Give ‘em to me.
Neil: No! Not our ice creams!
(Ryan throws his ice cream over his shoulder and walks over to the person and beats them up. Neil and Kevin drop their ice cream in surprise. Finally Ryan kicks the person into their boombox, which turns off with a record scratch sound.)
Kevin: Wow Ryan, that was great! You should do that more often! God.
(Kevin and Neil walk off.)
Neil: Did you see that? He iced that mofo!
Kevin: Yeah, tell me about it.
(Ryan is staring at his hands. The scene changes to inside his house, and he is still staring.)
Neil: Hey Ryan, what’s the matter? You’ve been in your study for hours.
Ryan: I’ve never done anything like that. I’ve never been in a fight in my life. I- I didn’t know I could move like that.
Neil: Ryan, I think it’s time you knew.
(Neil pulls a book on the shelf, which then moves over to reveal a doorway. They enter the dark hallway beyond.)
Neil: Ryan, you come from a long line of crime-fighters. Rogue vigilantes, who decided to make a difference.
(Neil motions to clearly edited photos of Ryan. One with a beard and bowler hat, one with an eyepatch and sailor hat, and one with large round glasses and a goatee.)
Neil: Your father, his father before him, and his father’s father. Each of them took a vow,
(Ryan is now suiting up in Batman-style, including a mask and goggles.)
Neil: To take a stand against the powers of evil. You too can become a symbol of hope for those in peril. You too can become the guardian of the well-being of the people of Plymouth. Yes you, Ryan, can become… the black man.
(They are back in the passageway.)
Ryan: I’ll work on the name, but generally I like it!
(Cut to a parking lot at night. A man exits a convenience store and goes to unlock his car. The door is slammed by Ryan, in full gear.)
Ryan: (talking in a guttural voice) I find your parking job a bit misleading. Don’t you?
Man: Excuse me?
Ryan: You’re parked at the dry cleaner’s, wasting a valuable parking space.
(The camera shows that the dry cleaner’s is closed.)
Ryan: All so that you could go buy some chips. That might be okay where you’re from, but that kind of action won’t fly in my town.
(Ryan pulls the man over and beats him up.)
(Kevin is reading a paper with the headline “CRAZED VIGILANTE STRIKES AGAIN.” Neil is eating cereal.)
Kevin: Neil, I think Ryan’s completely lost it.
Neil: Kevin, I think it’s time you knew.
(Neil opens the passageway again and shows Kevin the three photos.)
Neil: Ryan’s entire bloodline is completely insane. Every damn one of them.
Kevin: My god. Why didn’t you tell Ryan about this?
Neil: Um, I don’t know. I just wanted to see if he’d do it.
(Ryan is out on the hunt once more. A man jaywalks.)
Ryan: (in the same guttural voice) Jaywalking!
(He leaps into action and accosts the jaywalker in an alley.)
Ryan: Just who do you think you are?
Person: Hey man, what’s the big idea?
Ryan: You think you’re brave? Think your some kind of tough guy? Think you can just walk around, doing anything you want? We’ll see how brave you are when we take off these sunglasses and hat-
(The person is revealed to by Kevin.)
Ryan: Ke-ke-ke (normally) Kevin.
Kevin: Don’t you see, Ryan? How crazy it’s all gotten? We’re afraid of you! You and your… twisted version of justice! You’re a horrible fascist. You have to choose now: beat me senseless and uphold your… “law,” or go back to being the Ryan Murphy we’ve all come to know and love?
Ryan: I- I-
(He takes off the mask and glasses.)
Ryan: I choose to be your friend, Kevin. I- I’m sorry. This all got way out of hand. Let’s- let’s just go home.
(Neil pops up and holds a rag to Ryan’s face. Ryan passes out.)
Kevin: Good job, Neil.
Neil: Couldn’t have done it without my chloroform!
(The three are now out in a pristine lake setting. Ryan is fishing. Kevin skips a rock, and Neil simply throws one in.)
Neil: You know guys, these past few weeks have been quite amazing, haven’t they?
Ryan: Indeed, they have. Y’know, we never made a webisode this week.
Neil: Hmm.
Kevin: Yeah, but none of that matters now.
Ryan: Because we get paid up-front?
Kevin: Because there’ll be more webisodes to come. More stories.
Neil: More adventures.
Ryan: More movies.
Kevin: Think they’ll know where to look for them?
Neil: Oh, I think they’ll know where.
(“Hollywoodeasttv.com” is emblazoned on the sky, next to the moon. A comet shines across the screen, collides with the moon, and explodes.)
Ryan: Ooh.
(Credits roll.)
New Kids on the Rock
New Kids on the Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock,
New Kids on the Rock
New Kids on the Rock

Video

Credits

• Cast
  • Neil Cicierega: Self
  • Kevin James: Self
  • Ryan Murphy: Self
  • TJ O'Brien: The Innocent Man
  • Steve Madden: The Thug

• Crew:
  • Created By: Neil Cicierega, Kevin James, Ryan Murphy
  • Grip: TJ O'Brien
  • Edited By: Kevin James
  • Original Music By: Neil Cicierega